On Belonging

Note: This writing comes from my own processing on belonging. It’s not as smooth or as fully sorted as I’d like, but it is fresh and current for me. My hope in sharing is to connect with those that also wrestle with the question:  Where do I belong? 

I went to this Enneagram seminar a few weeks ago.  My experience with the Enneagram is that it’s helped me know myself deeply—my gifts, my passions, where I can find freedom, and how to be the truest, most authentic version of myself. It really has given me a gift of self-awareness and compassion. However, as soon as I walked into the seminar, I noticed a stirring inside me.  I noticed frustration and discomfort.  My body was telling me---you don’t belong here. 

 I don’t belong.  

Even in a place where I am supposed to be understood, even in a place where I am supposed to have deep connections and soul friends, I felt like I just did not fit.

As the unsettled feeling continued to stir inside of me, I remembered many times I felt the same way… This was familiar. 

The time in 3rd grade when I was the new kid and everyone stared. 

The time at camp when everyone had their friends already.

The time in college when I could not find my people—and it seemed like everyone else had people.

In graduate school when I felt that others were smarter.

And, pretty much every social gathering where I have to make small talk.

As my time at the seminar progressed, we were invited to sit in our ‘type’ group.  In doing this, I noticed AGGRAVATION. 

These are supposed to be my people.  This is supposed to be where I fit, where I feel known. Understood. Why do I feel like I’m a puzzle piece that came from another puzzle? At this point, I started feeling some shame—What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I fit? Am I crazy? I must be a wild card.

Then, I started noticing judgment and resentment toward the others in my group. What’s wrong with these people? They aren’t like me. Basically, I was taking my own frustration out on my group—causing me to be critical of them.

It was not long after this stirring within myself that I realized—I just wanted a place. I’m not really mad at anyone. It’s no one’s fault that I don’t feel like I fit. And, likely, others feel the same way as I do. I’m mad that I can’t find where I fit. My frustration, annoyance, resentment, judgment, and aggravation came from a deep desire to be known, to be welcomed, to have space, but most of all, to belong.

 FLASH FORWARD.

At this point, I’m at Radner Lake.  Nature is usually where I sort my stuff.  I’m looking around at all the trees and the wildlife.  Each takes up its proper place.  There’s room.  Each tree has its own intricacies. Each critter has its own way and color and speed and size.  Each tree, each critter, each flower, and each part of this grand ecosystem with its own little place and purpose. 

And, there was the shift for me. Each with its own little place and purpose. I know I’m not the only one that wrestles with my place in the world.  So many of my clients say I feel lost. Where do I belong?  In many systems (family, work, church, friendships), members feel alone and curious about their place in the world. 

 A few weeks later, on March 20, I went back to Radner for a walk--still wrestling with the idea of belonging.  I was sitting on a bench and wrote in my journal:

I wanted to continue my writing on belonging—maybe another time though.  It’s so beautiful—the first day of spring! I only want to absorb and be mindful at this moment.  I hear so many sounds and feel so many senses.  I saw deer grazing peacefully in the woods. I saw an owl. I see ants on the bench, turtles in the water, spring-breakers walking, flocks of birds.  I feel rays of sunshine on my back amongst the chilly air. I see so many trees.  I see so many critters. I see so many people. 

It all fits.  There is room. Even as I sit on this park bench by myself—even I fit.  There is love for me here. There is room for me here. I matter even in such a VAST, WILD place. 

I didn’t think this journal entry was going to be about belonging, but it actually was. 

 As I continued my walk surrounded by the wild, all I noticed was this chant rhythmically playing in my mind:

You belong. And YOU belong. And YOU belong. And YOU belong. 

Altogether, these little moments created a mighty shift in me.  So, for now, here is my revelation on belonging:

To the hurting

To the one that works in the shadows

To the 20-something wrestling with direction and identity

To the performer

To the disappointed

To the aging

To the parent

To the one that was abandoned 

To the small child

To the one that does not feel at home in their body

To the one that is considering suicide

To the careerist

To the grieving

To the poor

To the teacher

To the wanderer

To the one that questions everything 

To the one that has trauma

To the one that wants to figure it all out

To each unique being…

 There is room for you.

Like the trees and the critters and the plants… Each has its own little shape and size and color and way. Each has its own little place and purpose.  Each matter. 

The same goes for you. The truth is that there is only room for you to be you, though. You can only stand in your space.  So, search for you. Learn about you. Question, ponder, and seek for as long as you need to. Find you and be you. Take up your space.

Don’t lose hope in the seeking! Sometimes it will fill like you are the only one.  And the truth is you are. You are an individual—special and unique. However, in our uniqueness and individuality, we are together. We fit. We belong.

In honor of all of us wrestling with belonging:

YOU belong.  AND, YOU belong… and YOU belong. 

With you on the journey, 

Abbe